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If I can have the whole world to myself

Even for a day             

I would make it see the sweetest dream that I’ve imagined

At every day-break the birds will chirp and sing

Extolling a freedom seldom seen

Teardrops from innocent faces drying up

Before it washes down the smile

Rainbows- so vibrant and shimmering

Helping to spread the good vibes

Like a young brave artist—not yet drunk on melancholia

I’ll try to paint the world…

Red, green blue and many such hues

If I can have the whole world to myself

Even for a day             

I’ll make every child’s bedtime wish come true

Every broken heart, every lonely soul

Hey! Don’t yet fold…

Someone, somewhere you’ll surely find…

With whom life will be a joyride

Believe me when I say--Lifetime memories will be erased

When thy beloved clutch on to you!

I too had my time, I lived my dreams

I am walking now the thousand lonely miles…

Hoping that… someone will walk the few hundred steps to meet me!!

At the end of the day… when the sunset comes…

And angels come knocking at my door…

Telling me that my Time has passed         

I’ll be happy that I had the whole world to myself (even for a day)

Happy with what I’m leaving behind---

-The birds flying

-Couples in embrace

-Springtime all around

-Lost souls finally reaching home

-No greed, no hunger

-People singin’ and dancin’ and believing in Love

Living for the day my faith will triumph

Maybe this is the last time
That I’ll try to write
These musings of an insane mind
What difference does it make anyways?
Now that I’ve known...
It’s no use singing
In the ‘City of Deafs’
It’s time to move on…
But I know not where
Some-place far away
Perhaps into the realm of fantasies
Where love and life entices everyone
To sing the song of their dreams
It’s time to move on
Of that I am sure
Beyond the green meadows
Into the cloud caressed vales
My footsteps leading me… slowly…
Into an unknown abstractness
Far, far away from the make-beliefs.
Courage filling up my heart now
For that last leap of faith
My Kingdom has finally arrived
And it’s time to move on.
I was alive till now
Now its time for me to LIVE

From the rain drenched boulevard
Your aura just came in
And knocked at my senses softly
You once left me alone…
Without even saying goodbye
But you couldn’t leave from my heart
Now as I stood still…
Staring at infinity
I don’t know why some silent tears
Are swelling in my eyes.
Oblivious to the rain now
I went ahead… all alone…
Into the darkness…beyond the fading lights
Hoping ardently that we’ll meet once again
Unbounded by shackles
Freed of all bonds except love…
Me graying and ageing
You still as beautiful as ever
Remember… courage failed you once
Promise me that you won’t fail me then
We’ll fly once again…
Hand in hand…
Our souls warming up to the new freedom
Oh! That will be something to look forward to
…all my life!
As I move ahead reminiscing my memories
A solitary tear drop is forcing its way down…
Like the opening of the torrents within
Like the liberation of vintage emotions
How can I tell you dear…
What an inexplicable pain it is…
To know that the moments we’ve shared together
Will only remain memories…
A dull pain somewhere deep brings me back to reality.
And unanswered questions start…
Haunting my existence again---
Can hope and despair co-exist?
Do prayers ever come true?
Can people like me ever live?

One day I was going to college as usual at around 8:45 in the morning. Descending from the flight of stairs and into the pavement I found that it was that kind of a day in which you don’t want to do anything but to sleep for an eternity taking advantage of the gloomy conditions and overcast skies. The monsoon has finally arrived in Shillong… a small picturesque hill station in the eastern part of India. The raindrops just holding back a little… waiting to spit their venom afterwards, perhaps! I braved myself without an umbrella and ventured into the cold, dark, mean streets. As a high bred Capricornian I like being aloof, all alone… “Me, myself, in the middle of my world” type. But that day there were ominous dark clouds gathering overhead and within thus making my heart skip a beat or two. The numbing silence seemed like the harbinger of something unexpected, unreal or maybe something really out of the blue. After covering around three quarters of the way to my college, one fairly large drop of rain kissed my forehead. I transfixed my for a second or two on the menacing low altitude clouds ripe with ready to pour rain manufactured by the perennial Raingods! Within no time I found myself searching for cover. I finally took refuge under a ramshackle thatched shop just near the big church from where Mother Mary was gazing intently towards all. The rainy season has finally unleashed its fury and I was left wondering whether it was the beginning of something… as if my mind was playing a “Cat and mouse game” with my senses!!

Raindrops seeped through the veins and arteries of that worn-out thatch and soaked my clothes making extremely uncomfortable and my heart sank along with the gloominess pervading otherwise. The rain, deserted town, ghostly winds presented an abstract piece of art… a kind of blank canvas on which my reddened soul have painted… very incomprehensible, partly insane piece of my idiosyncrasy.
In a nearby tree high up amongst its branches my eyes caught the glimpse of a predominantly yellow striped bird the name of which didn’t occurred to me at the spur of the moment. The birdie was drenched with the onslaught of the torrential downpour but surprisingly, it seemed to be fairly enjoying the magnificence of the Rain. It reminded me how a change of paradigm can change your whole outlook of life. Just then two small kids in their squalid existence and wearing little more than their b’day suits, but only just, came within the vicinity of my line of sight. They were running along with an old cycle tyre and occasionally giving it a gentle push to sustain its momentum. They reminded me of the things we used to do during our “Salad days”. Kids, of all the things, will always remain kids whether it’s raining or not! I was immediately drowned… no! no!! no!!!... hey!... not by the rain water or anything as such, but into a superfluous sea of nostalgic emotionality. The blurred, dusty vision of my younger self playing in the rain with my armada of paperboats occurred before me. A lean, happy-go-lucky kid of around four or five years trying to see himself as the “monarch of his little, beautiful kingdom” replete with “knights in shining armor, angels, ghosts and butterflies”… a perfectly virgin imagination akin to those stupendous stories my granny used to tell me near the fireplace during those sweet winter days of yore. I still have vivid recollection of those halcyon days when I tried to guide my paperboats through the water and when they get damaged or otherwise my heart would sink alongwith them. Childhood knows no fear of the silly rain, no sign of any nauseating duplicity. I ran after my brother’s kite trying to contain its ascent towards heaven or to fly alongwith al fresco. But my age at that time deceived my aspirations… I couldn’t touch the sky!
Years rolled down the drain and Paperboats made way for cycles and the kites for tomes. I was the happiest person in the whole, wide world… a sense of joie de vivre… the day I pedalled my cycle for over a few yards… without falling sideways. In retrospect I can say that such small moments gave us such BIG joys in our childhood but its essence is somewhere lost when we engross ourselves in speciousness associated with adulthood!
As I was trying to reconcile and regroup my emotions and composure my taste buds detected something salty in and around my lips… maybe… err… I have momentarily lost my stoicness and shed some silent tears taking liberal advantage of the downpour. I took out my handkerchief and thoroughly wiped my visage erasing every sign of my vulnerability. Those silent tears acted as a panacea for my tormented soul and even though I knew that Boy’s Don’t Cry .I couldn’t help myself. The pusillanimity of the post childhood era makes us a sort of mono-maniac mixed with what Vanity Fair has to offer.
The rain recede after an eternity but I still stood there intensely watching that tiny bird until it flapped its wings and flew away only to disappear in the farthest heavens.
My eyes then suddenly rested on the statue of the Virgin Mary in the upper echelon of the majestic church just at a distance form where I was surveying. The Mother’s face was so full of warmth; it seemed to me that it was the metaphor for all the mother’s in the world. She was at peace with herself and I was just withstanding a storm of different order and hue!
Although it know it well that if Wordsworth and his likes goes through my brand of poetry (?) they would simply do a double somersault in their graves and laugh till their bellies ached, I couldn’t but add a few disoriented lines from the pages of my diary and I’m no one but a dilettante or maybe a somniloquent!!

O’ my childhood
It was so nice and fair
Full of sweet nothings and care
I carve for that tree-house
On which I dwelt
And the swing on which I played
Round and square
On nature’s bosom I slept
Like a monarch’s son
I dreamt about the
Fairy queens and angels
And longed to touch the distant moon
It was a life so carefree and simple
Anger and hatred I knew none
A child’s life is like an incarnation
On whose heart the Almighty dwells!
Oh! My childhood
It was so nice and fair
Full of sweet nothings and care
Can anyone hand me back my infancy?
Those days of a bygone era
Which were full of mirth and honey
Or was it a trance… a mirage
In the sea of deceit and duplicity?
Childhood is forever lost
In the dust called life
Never to be found again
The dove still flies in my vale
And the cuckoo does sing
But I’m not to be found there
… my goodness what a miss!
Oh! My childhood
It was so nice and fair
Full of sweet nothings and care

After my monologues with the mother I came back to reality… a grown up, intelligent (?), level headed guy who must look ahead to his future and not wander in those nostalgic memory lanes replete with laid back values, ideals, memoirs and innocence. Childhood memories can act as a philter to move ahead in the journey called life. But there’s no way I can ever forget those salad days… which were once my ultimate reality. I cannot dream of forgetting my childhood, my roots… the whole bunch of my idiosyncrasy have been sourced from it which has molded my life in an intangible way. Thinking about all these I went ahead on my way dreaming about a naive child playing with a paper boat on a really wet rainy day. My mind became the brewing ground of a new tempestuous rain and I was really not aware where to find refuge from this kind of rain… where raindrops of raw emotions and nostalgia fell in the desert like life of an unhappy child trapped in a young man’s body who doesn’t want to grow up!!
“Goddammit! I’m already an hour late for college”, I said to myself and went hurriedly towards to college. I reached my destination or have I gone past it?

Written during the month of April, 2003 in Shillong, Meghalaya, India

Far away from the strobe lights

Beyond the music so loud

A world of our dreams

Throw away the mask; wipe away the grease-paint

It’s time to be happy; time to get real.

The reasons that made us to cry will cease to exist.

Where gloomy thoughts smear our mind

Timeless it will be… forever bright, forever there…

O’ Dear! What a feeling that’s sure to be!!

Friendship --- Isn’t it what Life’s all about?!

Like an unfinished symphony….
My love remained unsung!
Can’t live without you…
O’ why can’t we understand?
Do I have to prove that I love you true?
Can’t my love itself be the proof?
Being separated from you I don’t wanna live…
All my life.
Why can’t we understand…why?!
Not all birds learn to fly…
Not all man learns to walk...
Not all dreams see the daylight
Yeah! That’s my only solace
I remained “I”
You remained “you” ….
Wonder where did we lost the “WE” ….
Somewhere along the way.
I want to scream….
Wanna taste blood in my mouth…
Blood from my heart that dared to love…
In that final moment of courage!
The flesh may live but the soul can’t…
Something has changed everlastingly….for-ever!
Maybe I was destined to fail…
ne’r to get up again…
but I’ll still smile….
At least I got to know someone as nice as you…
In a sanguine moment all by yourself…
When you hear some music divine….
Ponder a moment….b’coz it’s someone’s love …
In the silhouette of some music…..
That remained just an unfinished symphony!

Walking in the rain…
At a moment that was
Nothing but strange
I felt as if u were nearby
… yet so far.
That familiar fragrance of yours
lingered in the crisp air.
The swaying trees caressed by the winds
Giving me some hints that I couldn’t see
Maybe telling me about you…
Sitting by the window...
Staring at the rain
Perhaps…thinking about me
And the times we spent together
…while being apart!
Maybe it isn’t raining
Perhaps it’s just the Heaven’s way
Of taking pity at yet another martyr
In the Kingdom of Love
--- crying for me
--- thinking that if I could’ve received some drops of love
--- maybe I would’ve just survived to live!!
Nothing, absolutely nothing can be so perfect
That it can’t be true…
You were the reason for my smiles
And for my heart’s secret desires.
Maybe one day u’ll understand
… What you’ve done to me.
You just didn’t know… how to say “I do”!
What else is love
If it’s not true friendship?
Every so often I wonder
If the pen I am holding right now to write...
Whether it can kill me too?
Am I becoming insanely mad?
Akin to those opium eaters of yore!!
The rain is pouring still
But I’m oblivious to it now...
Walking along the road… unknown
Wondering if it can lead to ur heart
How much can one kill a man
So that he can really die?
How much? How long?
If love’s God’s absolute gift
Then why can’t we accept it?
Maybe one day u’ll understand
… What you’ve done to me.
You just didn’t know… how to say “I do”!
Am I the dead man walking?
Or someone who’s walking towards death?
I don’t want any answers…
I just don’t care!

Imagine a sky so blue

Imagine a rose in full bloom

Imagine a world full of Love

the dreams we’ve woven together

With the fabric of love

imagine if it’s for true.

The smile of your visage

The pain of my heart

Imagine, imagine…

Imagine a morning dewdrop kissing your lips

Imagine a child’s first cry

Imagine a world full of Hope

the world we’ve woven together

With our flights of fantasy

Imagine if it’s for true.

The path of your dreams

The cries of my soul

Imagine, imagine…

Imagine a tiny boat in the rocky sea

Imagine a dying man asking for Life

Imagine a world full of Abstractness

you close your eyes and find me near

I die with your name on my lips

Imagine if it’s for true.

The dimple of your cheeks

The prayer on my lips

Imagine, imagine…

Imagine if we’re born again

Imagine if love helps us to meet (again!)

Imagine a world full of Miracles

You extend your arms

And I come near you

Imagine if it’s for true.

The inter-weaving of our destinies

The union of our souls

Imagine, imagine…

The divine smell of night jasmine
Wafting through the open window of my room
As I sat still in abject solitude
Weighing everything that life could offer
Dreams--- broken and abandoned…
It felt like I couldn’t go anymore… anywhere
But the shackles of that beatific smile
Forcing me to live…
Giving me reasons I couldn’t comprehend.
Dreams—buried in the graveyard of time
What went wrong in that perfect dream?
I would never know till my Kingdom comes
Perhaps some dreams are too perfect to be true…
Perhaps some people are too passive to believe in love
Now I know what it feels
To see one’s world broken down
Into tiny zillion pieces
I loved her till I could love no more…
I will move along… to the point of stupor
And try to find my happiness…
Putting those broken images together
Hoping that one day she’ll come back…
Although it may be so late that…
There will be white lilies on her hand…
And I safely consigned to my grave.
Do tell her that I’d love her still…
And if she finds a lonely soul
Waiting on the spirit’s shore with arms outstretched
Let her be reminded that it’s me…
Trying to keep promises…
Trying to prove my love
Although our life’s path crossed
Alas!  We couldn’t stop to share our dreams.

Prisoner of the mind
is what life has made out of me.
Every flower that I touched
turned into a damnation, a forlorn curse.
How much you want me to pretend…
That I am not dead yet?
How much do I have to smile…
To hide the tears?
The mind is causing me all the pain
Showing me motifs that just don’t fade.
Like a charlatan… fighting hidden demons
Like a child…chasing imaginary butterflies.
Existence is blurred
In a mire of emotions.
A steely silence lulls me to sleep
Only to jostle me up the next moment.
With imaginary silhouettes clouding my senses
Doomed for life… in a living hell.
After all, what else can you say of a man
Who’s but a prisoner of his own mind!

I thought it’ll be fun

When I decided to write a poem

In a five minutes run

Although my mind sang a song

When I was young

I thought silly people wrote poems 

That no one else could comprehend 

Now that I am a bit old 

I can understand what emotions these lines could hold 

The birth of a child, the song of lovebirds, the tears of separation 

Oh! Poetry can also be awesome.

I peeped into my watch

And danced with a kid like mirth

It has been two minutes already

And it has been fun.

I now remember my childhood place

And my momma cooking food that was great to taste

Papa coddling me in his lap

My brothers, my friends

And my childhood angels…

Oh! That was a life.

As I grew older

Casting away the childhood garb

I saw that people just change…

Without giving a damn

“Dreamer, dream no more”--- My head said

“Not until I die”--- I retorted in disdain.

I promised to wrap it up in 5 mins flat… 

And I am running against time perhaps. 

But true to myself 

This is one last promise that I shall not fail

Its over, it’s over… O’ yeah… it’s over my dear!

Time surely flies... and it has been one year since i started penning down my thoughts in this blog. And the irony is that im not sure whether i'll be able to write anything coherent ever again. Nevertheless i've heard that 'Life is Beautiful'... so will take some time out to smell the flowers strewn along life's path... and if i ever pick up the pen again believe me... its Love that will make it possible... the love of LIFE!!

Psychedelic Colors of my turbulent mind
Is turning my life into a muddled haze…
I walk alone amongst the crowds
As if in an incoherent daze.
I may never cry the way others do…
Because my tears are stifled in the vacuum within.
The inner battles, the self denials…
Ahh! I can’t bear it anymore.
Maybe what I need is some valour
To stand by what I believe.
This world ain’t a Shangri-la
Nor I a wandering monk…
But I‘ve heard somewhere
That dreams sometimes just come true.
Of course! I have heard People
Telling me that I’m different.
Psychedelic I may be…
But even a dead clock shows the time
Once a day… or maybe twice, Isn’t it?
Can you hear the song my heart’s humming?
Can we sing it together before it comes to a still?
Someone’s sad… lonely and abandoned…
And just doesn’t want to go anywhere.
Call me back… call me back!
O’ Mother, dear mother… call me back
I want to go back…
To the only place where I belong…
To those childhood times in our little home
Where dreams didn’t even once turned bad.
Why run after something which you don’t want?
Why don’t we get something that we really want?
Why can’t I cosset myself in a time-wrap…
and stop the flow with my clenched fist?
I am fighting for myself, against myself

I am the victor and the vanquished

The oppressor and the oppressed.

White hasn’t managed to remain so White

But Black is beginning to look a bit bright

Tears must have given it

Some shades of grey.

Black is beginning to live life

And look at it beyond White.

“White is cruel but White is white”--- Black once sighed.

Black may be dark but it isn’t sunset yet

Doesn’t the break of dawn start with Black?

One day White may try to come back

And make amends for the past acts.

But giving his destiny a long hard kiss

Black will cease to exist.

The verve mayn’t be there

To walk along life’s path

After all that had happened

But the spirit walks along enduring even death.

Turning his back to the questions White has

Black will search for the sun

Till the horizon ends.

And search for that world

Where Black is cared for

---just because Black is Black

Indeed the world will be a goddamned place

With nothing but Whites all around

And Blacks nowhere to be found.

Maybe White will miss Black then.

Black within himself has every hue

And that’s true for White too                  

Similarities even in disparities

…wow! How everyone wished

That their story comes true.

Black, White, Black & White… whatever!!

Black is me, black—my soul!
You may be white and laugh the longest
but I’ll accept black even with tears.
If black’s death, it can be life too!
If it isn’t then do I care a hoot? Hmmm…
The purest black, the deathly black…
Nothing can be as intoxicating as that.
You can be white and dare to leave me in tears but…
Still I’ll have what I’ve started with--- BLACK!
I win; I lose… its black what I’ll end up with.
The new hope—that’s Black!
The nude dance of death--- yeah! That too is Black!!
Dare to kill me O’ white…but….
Will you remain white then?! Hmmm…
Mix any hue within me but
It’s black that you’ll always get.
Black was my love….
Unchanging, unflinching, ageless
Perhaps it didn’t care to change… for change’s sake!
The darkness before eternal nirvana…
Isn’t it something like BLACK?
The method in madness…. What it is called?
…. BLACK?!....
You endure your whiteness, I’ll enjoy my opacity.
Will Black and White ever meet? ---forget it!!
It can’t get worse than BLACK…
So there’s nothing for me to fret!!
Without black what is white’s worth anyways?
Why I’m asking questions?
Don’t I know the answers to them all?!!

No one loves me
Yeah! No one loves me.
I start to walk alone…
Through the wet sand
With only my shadow besides me.
Thinking…
How much I want to hold back,
How much I want to let go…
… Of the past?
It has got memories
That sometimes made me to cry.
But these very tears once
Promised me such great joys.
It felt like the freshness of a first kiss
O’ I remember the day when we first met!
I’m fading away with nothing …
but memories clutched to my heart now
As I look into the horizon… by the sea.
Thinking about tomorrow…
My heart shuddered
‘Coz my kind of world
Never existed anywhere.
A man won’t live to see tomorrow.
He dies!!
Hurrah!! You can’t kill him further!
No one loves me.
Yeah! No one loves me.
I start to walk alone…
Through the wet sand
With only my shadow besides me.
Thinking…
Why no one ever loved me?
Why no one ever cared for me?
I tried to caress the roses …
That came into my life…
Alas! Roses have thorns…
And my heart was pricked
And I bled till red.
I was told by this worldThat every answer…
Doesn’t need to have a question.
But my heart still asks the question: “Why?”
Tell me why my eyes are wet today?
… For losing someone…
who wasn’t mine…
… even for a moment!
I walk alone… all alone
Hoping that she’s there
In the darkness around…
Waiting to grasp my hand
And whisper…
That there’s indeed someone
--- Who’s mine forever!
Maybe the pain of memories
Will liberate me one day…
And I’ll fly in the cerulean sky…
Where the waves of the rogue sea
Can’t kill my hopes,
Can’t even stop me from flying.
But for now…
All my dreams stand shattered.
And life’s breaking me within…
Having to drag my body around
As if it’s numb and dead.
Now I’m really lonesome and scared.
Seeing me walking towards the darkness
What if…
My shadow too vanishes from my midst?!
I walk alone… all alone
… into the alluring darkness.

A day will come
When my words will
Win your heart
Though I maybe
Long dead by then.
A day will come
When we’ll just love one another
Without being a judge.
You may say that I was a fool
But can you say that
I didn’t love you true?
Maybe I was a dreamer
But…
A day will come
When dreams might
Just come true!

I’ll become a free bird… yes! I will
Even though in a brutal moment
You’ve clipped my feathers.
Even though crimson blood
is oozing out of it all along.

I’ll still try to fly… yes! I will
Even though a thousand times
I might stumble and bite the dust.
Even though you may conspire to kill me…all over again
But can you kill my spirit? No way!!

The body will free my spirit one day
The tears, the smiles, hope and despair
Won’t mean a damn to me that day.
Above the tranquil sea, in the n^th heaven
Like a free bird, like a free spirit…
I’ll fly… eternally… yes! I will.